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Eight ways to prepare for a zombie apocalypse

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You never know when you might wake up and find the streets overrun by barbaric miscreants bent on destroying everything. Here's how to prepare.
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If a zombie apocalypse dawns, there’s no special weapons department like you’d find in a James Bond movie.

Your weapon of choice becomes whatever is closest to you that can annihilate a zombie.

Those branded “zombie apocalypse” knives and axes? They’re seriously cool, but you won’t worry about them when a zombie tries to eat your face. That would be as silly as crying over your hair falling out of place while someone is trying to chew on your knee.

Your circumstances will train you to think in terms of how to neutralize a threat as quickly as possible, more so if you have family to look after.

That means you’ll try to turn your home into a weapon, not just a bunker.

Here are eight ways you can prep yourself and your home for a possible zombie apocalypse.

Be vigilant

There’s no point in you applying every principle I share in this post if you’re not going to be vigilant.

You need to think of sleep as a distant luxury; a prize you have the same chance of winning as someone who plays the lottery.

Never mind going outside. That should be reserved for serious need, like a food run.

You must look over your shoulder all the time; sit with your back against the wall; lock all doors behind you.

It’ll get monotonous soon, but you’ll live.

Be fit

You might be a total slob. Perhaps you’re 200 pounds overweight.

Guess who’ll be first in line for zombie lunch?

But don’t think of it as a bad thing. You’re doing your loved ones a favor in two ways:

  1. You can’t run as fast as others, so you’ll be able to inadvertently stall the zombies while those of your tribe who are faster get away.
  2. If you turn, you won’t be much of a threat because you’re far too fat to move fast.

If, however, you’d prefer to not become zombie sustenance, consider starting an exercise regime.

What would you most need to fight zombies?

Speed could help. Getting away from the threat is the most sensible response to a threat.

But endurance would come in handy too.

Perhaps something along the lines of CrossFit.

Sharpen everything

Know what would make a really cool zombie-killing tool? Your toothbrush.

No longer is it useful for only keeping your sparse smile sparkly, it also offers a great way to stab a zombie right in the head. And if it doesn’t work at first stab, try, try and try again.

Once you’re done and the undead lies dead on your bathroom floor, rinse your toothbrush and set aside for later use.

You can do the same with a bajillion other items. Sharpen your spoon handles, butter knife handles, walking sticks, chair feet; anything and everything one end of which is traditionally used for holding or steadying should now be sharpened.

Position stuff correctly

You might be positioning your furniture and appliances to “balance your chi”.

Cute.

Until a horde of these brain-lusting bastards come tearing through your garden.

Once the zombies come rushing, your household goods need to either act as barriers or killing machines, or both.

Even loose items must now be positioned strategically, in order to give you an opportunity to get away, or deal a deadly blow.

For instance, your toaster, which used to sit right up against the wall, should now contain a custom handle and be positioned so as to be easily grabbed and swung into an oncoming offender.

Board up

I know, pretty obvious, right?

Yet some might find it hard, especially if they’ve adorned their windows with insanely expensive shutters.

It’s hard to let go of a high-priced lifestyle, but you’ve got to ask yourself: what do these monsters most enjoy having with their fresh brains, ketchup or mustard?

And which one would you prefer they use on you as you greet the world while they feast?

Don’t go out alone

So, so, so obvious.

Just don’t do it.

Always make sure you have a partner who can join you.

Unless you’re alone, in which case, make sure you have animals. In fact, start breeding dogs and cats and what not.

Not for protection, for feeding. No, not yourself, them.

We don’t know yet because we’ve not experienced it, but maybe zombies love animals. Not like we love them. No, I mean, maybe they have a palate for puppies.

So instead of sacrificing yourself, chuck a few whelps or kittens at these savages while they’re storming you. Perhaps it turns out these creatures love it.

Record the incident though, so that if it doesn’t work, others who come across your recorded material can learn from your mistake.

Have no mercy on the turned

That’s not your wife anymore. Stab it in the head.

I know, it’s difficult, but no one said it would be a joyride to experience a zombie apocalypse.

It might be difficult for some, though, to determine whether one of their friends or family members have turned.

This is especially true in the beginning when zombie breakouts aren’t prolific yet.

So be careful.

You might think one of your friends has turned, when in fact he was simply high as a kite and acting like an idiot. (Choose better friends.)

Or maybe you spot a zombie on your street and do the kindly thing by cutting its head off, only to find out it was your neighbor making their way home from a zombie party where they had a little too much to drink.

Get an awesome post-apocalyptic weapon

As mentioned earlier in this article, you should turn everything into a zombie-slaying instrument.

But you can also start stocking up on some seriously cool zombie-slaughtering tools now.

A katana could be a fantastic investment.

An ax might also be a great tool to have in these trying times of zombiefication.

But for close up battle a knife is a beautifully practical tool for cutting into zombie flesh.

And Medford knives are great for a post apocalyptic period.

Why’s that?

Because it contains titanium.

Show me one zombie who would not want to die from a wound made by a knife containing titanium and I’ll show you a zombie not worth killing.

There you have it

Maybe the zombies never come.

But we can’t be sure.

Given the current vibe our planet finds itself in, the idea of waking up tomorrow to step into streets overrun by barbaric miscreants doesn’t seem so far fetched.

It’s best to be prepared.

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